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The First Move

8 Votes | Average: 4.5 out of 58 Votes | Average: 4.5 out of 58 Votes | Average: 4.5 out of 58 Votes | Average: 4.5 out of 58 Votes | Average: 4.5 out of 5 (8 votes, average: 4.5 out of 5)
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Confidence is certainly an ingredient, but you need equal parts of curiosity and courage as well. What is it that requires a mix of all the three ‘c’s? Well, making the first move to show someone you are interested in them can be quite a task, for both, men and women. And whether you like it or not…

Making the first move is often difficult because of shyness, or low self-esteem. Whenever one thinks of going up to someone and talking to him or her, certain paralyzing thoughts attack one. What if she or he rejects me because of my looks/my social status/my physique/my personality? Am I really good enough for that person? Is he or she too good/too rich/too handsome/ too interesting for me? Under all these daunting thoughts, there is one lurking theme – the fear of rejection.

The truth is, rejection is a fact of life, and should be accepted as such, in one’s stride. After all, there is no need to take it personally. Don’t we politely refuse to eat any more when we are full even if we are being offered a delicious treat? It does not mean we are condemning the person offering it to us. Don’t we turn away the salesman selling vacuum cleaners at the door? It does not mean he is a bad chap, or that we dislike him. Why then take the rejection of an offer of friendship as a life and death matter? If we care enough about knowing that person better, we will make the offer. And if the person immediately turns us down, we will accept such a refusal, but continue to have kind thoughts about the person. Such kind thoughts are essential. They ensure that if the person does not immediately know our value, they may well do so one day. On the other hand, if we immediately become bitter, start thinking negative and angry thoughts about the person who has turned us down, such as ‘What does she think she is? Anyway, she isn’t such a great looker herself!’ or ‘Why did I speak to such a boorish man? He deserves to be hung!’ the chances are that this person will be able to sense our anger and hurt, and will avoid us even more.

While being too shy or afraid of rejection in one’s adolescence is quite natural, this sometimes takes a different form in later years. When women have become quite mature and self-sufficient and are still not married, they may find it very difficult to approach men because of thoughts that are different in nature. ‘Is it really worth being the first to make a move and show interest?’ ‘Shouldn’t the other person be showing some interest in me?’ This type of thinking may seem an example of greater self-esteem than the adolescent mind-set. But in fact, it still denies you the opportunity to be a secure and confident individual who can be in a marriage or relationship without sacrificing your individuality.

Because, that is finally what it is all about – making the choice to enter a marriage means being prepared to understand that the marriage is bigger than the two individuals who inhabit it. This is why even betrayal, indiscretion, bitter fights can be absorbed in some marriages. On a more mundane level, this is why although partners often feel irritation with each other, they can also not live without each other! Whatever be my personal likes and dislikes, whatever be my partner’s peccadilloes, the marriage, and family which grows out of it, is big enough to ensure that we make the small sacrifices needed to keep things going. In ancient times, this is why our ancestors considered marriage so important in the process of character building. Without it, we could become ever narrower in our thinking, and less tolerant of others. There are many exceptionally considerate bachelors and spinsters in this world. But they are outnumbered by far by millions of married men and women who have learnt to be considerate the hard way, with spouses and children!

So whether shyness is holding you back from making the first move, or pride is doing its bit, just throw both into the trash bin of history. Take a deep breath, put a winning smile on your face, and stride confidently towards the person you are interested in. Your first move may be your best move.

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Responses to The First Move

  1. 1 Sujith

    A very good article, but I dont think even after reading this article, many would have the courage to take that BIG step.
    I remember a dialogue from an english movie - “Only when you take that step would you know whether it would a success or failure. What if it was your best move and you were destined to be successful?”…

  2. 2 Amit

    This is a good piece of writing. The writer seems to have deeply understood the subject and looks to have much of experience himself. Also the writer is able to understand the pscychological substance of singles. Cheers!

  3. 3 scharada bail

    Dear Amit,
    Thanks for your feedback. Making the first move in relationships is like making the first move in many areas of life - we need to take at least one bite in order to taste the whole fruit! Be a confident single. Value yourself and you shall definitely find another to value you. All the best.

  4. 4 Dr.vidyadhar

    very nice article simple and complete. good work keep it up

  5. 5 arpita


  6. 6 scharada bail

    Thanks for your warm encouragement. There are so many issues about love and marriage in our society, and some have their share of pain. I am happy that you are able to identify with both - the plus points and the inevitable areas of darkness. All the best!

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