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Neediness: The Ultimate Turn-Off


8 Votes | Average: 4.38 out of 58 Votes | Average: 4.38 out of 58 Votes | Average: 4.38 out of 58 Votes | Average: 4.38 out of 58 Votes | Average: 4.38 out of 5 (8 votes, average: 4.38 out of 5)
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In the initial stages of falling in love, it is not a question of wanting to spend our lives with the person we love, but not being able to imagine spending a life without him or her. Needing each other is the foundation on which more lasting companionship is built. But as we face different situations together, it begins to emerge as if one partner has a much greater need of the other, than the expression of a similar need in the desired one. This can turn into a really nightmarish situation.

What makes neediness so difficult to handle is that it is not confined to how we relate to our partner but begins to intrude into how we relate to the rest of the world. A needy partner is one for whom his or her relationship has become a habit they cannot do without. Like reaching for a cigarette as soon as they get up, or eating fast food when they are not even hungry, such people will compulsively call their loved one, or try to fill up every available moment with the company of their partner. There are few other things that can hold their attention, and their personalities often stay under a cloud, because the time that should be spent in self-development may be getting squandered in clingy behaviour.

Initially, such exclusive attention may be perceived as flattering by the partner of the needy one. Then, as the demands of the needy partner become more intrusive, and begin to affect the other’s work, home, or other relationships, there is bound to be trouble. At this point a girl may be animatedly discussing something with her friends and when her phone rings, she answers with a helpless roll of the eyes. ‘What do you want?’ is the unromantic way in which she may answer her boyfriend’s call.

What do needy partners want? They want reassurance that they are loved – endlessly. They want someone to help pass the time. They want evidence that life is worth living – because they cannot think of any reason themselves. And the more they ask for such things, the more strain their partner begins to feel, finally being compelled to offer them the proverbial cold shoulder. Invariably, this produces even more distress for the needy one.

If you, or someone close to you is in danger of falling into the trap of too much neediness, just give these things some thought:

· A relationship should not be confused with the very business of living. The relationship is only one part of the whole. One should be more enthusiastic about life when one is in a sustaining relationship, than uninterested in life’s abundance.
· The more we put into developing our personalities, the more we bring to any partner or relationship. One sign that you are growing too needy is also when a partner begins to show symptoms of boredom around you.
· If the boredom does begin to manifest itself, do remember that it is temporary and will disappear as soon as you show some signs of becoming self-sufficient. If you have done everything for your partner to begin taking you for granted, can you really blame him or her?
· We may all fall into temporary neediness when we are facing emotional crises, or when we are going through dips in our self-esteem and confidence. At such times, we need to understand the cause, and make attempts to address it. We can even articulate this to our partner, making him or her see that this is not a permanent situation.
· Neediness can be overcome when both partners are leading fulfilled lives with plenty of scope for individual development. If you or your partner is becoming more dependent than is healthy on the other, it is time to jointly sort it out, with some love and understanding on both sides.
All the best!

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Responses to Neediness: The Ultimate Turn-Off

  1. 1 Priya R

    That was a great insight. Wonderful inputs and much appreciated! It does seem to me as if someone with some personal experience has written this….., Also, when one becomes aware of one’s own clinging behaviour and makes changes within oneself, one finds that there is much more that life has to offer than the small constrained world that the other person was offering. Times have changed and sometimes life has to move on for both parties….In a clinging relationship, one partner is often exploited by the other knowing fully well that the other is willing to compromise…. The relationship is no longer an equal one….. And only equal relationships thrive…..

  2. 2 ginni

    thanks for this article……It has given me a lot of insight and I do hope I would be able to improve my relationships now on……I came out of my marriage after 17 long years ..this clinginess of my Ex was one of the reason of my break up and now I was doing the same with a person …..an I have almost lost him …….I do hope I will change myself after reading this article and would be able to get him back as my friend…..
    ginni342002@yahoo.com

  3. 3 gaurav

    fine

  4. 4 neel

    I like the insight,
    the view expressed by priya is also touching and
    i respect her views
    ok

  5. 5 Asha

    Those experiences are quite similar to the ones i have felt at one time..its true the world is not about your partner..in fact relationships are just a part of life and how you feel about yourself or make your happiness does affect your relationships, and everything around you. The more liberated you feel in being yourself and creating your happiness yourself - the more joyous you look and feel and others feel equally at ease with you, and never feel like they are in a clingy relationship with you and trust me.. you will not be if know you are responsible for your happiness..I believe so. I look forward to hearing all of your views on this topic in the days ahead..take care
    Asha

  6. 6 kierra

    everything in the article is true.. i am currently having this kind of relationship with a needy partner, and it is driving me crazy.. i cant stand it anymore.. i need someone who is self-sufficient and can stand on his own. the problem now is how to break up with him because needy people tend to be very emotional and self destructive. i dont want to hurt him, but i dont want to mislead him into thinking everything is all right even if it’s not. i need help! i hope this many can read this article especially the needy ones because anyone can learn lessons from it.

  7. 7 M

    Excess supply kills demand.

  8. 8 crystal

    the writer of this article is so right.. so very right.. i have been through this myself and believe you me its one very difficult situation to be in..it takes a lot of courage and understanding to deal with a person who is in the needy situation as they are alrealy low on self esteem and confidence and any wrong move from the partner can kill the self esteem and confidence altogether.
    i thought alot about taking my partner to a therapist but it doesnt work as the person is just not ready to admit that he is weak. even quality time spent together doesnt really help. infact the more you try to make this work out positively the more the other person thinks of it as a negative move from your end. thinks that you are probably trying to do good things to cover up all the bad you have done(although you have never done anything wrong) thats just the feeling they have.. well life is hell if you are in a situation like this but you can sort it out if you want to.. ‘YOU NEED TO WANT TO DO IT.’

  9. 9 Sean Sokhi

    Gently speaking, this article although good does not tell the whole story. The basic fact is that any relationship is give and take and there are times when one partner is doing most of the giving and the other, receiving. But this status keeps changing and this keeps the relationship interesting. Unless ofcourse one partner has serious psychological issues and needs to go into therapy. Our needs as individuals and in a relationship are also always changing. As long as this taking and giving does not spill over into powerplay and manipulation, it is fine.

    Most healty relationships begin with great intensity, simmer and then settle down and as long as each person has her or his space to grow, it will only grow stronger and flourish.

    I also want to add that intrinsic change in the human personality is almost always caused by the belief of someone else in our abilty to do so. All our efforts would be pipe-dreams if not for our loved ones who provide the motivation and the encouragement.

  10. 10 scharada bail

    Yes, in a healthy relationship, both partners not only keep changing and growing, but support and encourage each other through these changes.

    However, this article wasn’t meant to undermine these facts, or tell a one-sided story - it was just focusing on one problem area that occasionally crops up in relationships where partners are facing different issues, have uneven levels of maturity, one partner has some psychological baggage from previous relationships or life-experiences etc. At such times neediness can threaten the stability of a relationship. In addition, the article is not so much about a long standing commitment like marriage where such things can be negotiated over time, but more about relationships where partners are still getting to know each other in depth with a view to a long term commitment.

    Thanks for your insightful comments.

  11. 11 Lisa Lina

    WOW, WOW, WOW, is all i can say abou this passage. I completely stumbled across this website when i did a google search about neediness in partners. I have been dating a WONDERFUL guy for a few months, but his neediness was suffocating me. now i know that i am not alone and that prayerfully we can overcome this! thanks again!

  12. 12 Nathan

    This article was dead-on! I was very much the needy one in a 15 month long distance relationship. I stifled my girlfriend and just drove her nuts and it was a major factor in our breakup. (Although, it wasn’t the only reason.) I have to live with the fact, that I was partly responsible for our breakup and my own heartache! (And believe me, the pain was gut-wrenching!)

    I wish to point out, however, that it could be that your partners personality could play a role in magnifying this tendency. I have been in other relationships and never was this needy. I had to ask her to give me compliments, praise, asking for thank you’s and hoping she would be warm. At times, she was aloof, withdrawn and also told me that she’s not good at the “lovey-dovey” stuff. (WOW! Talk about role reversal!) This only made me even more needy. So while, I agree, that the neediness MUST be worked on for your own good, please be aware that your partner could be exacerbating your neediness. So Beware!

    My conclusion is, that if an emotionally stable person, with a good sense of self-esteem becomes too needy, than BOTH people in the relationship must determine what the cause is and how they BOTH can help overcome it! Thanks for this article!

  13. 13 scharada bail

    Dear Nathan,
    Yes, you have truly pointed out how some people seem to bring out the best in us, and others bring out the worst! While both partners definitely need to do what is necessary to continue the relationship, sometimes it just doesn’t seem possible, and the relationship inevitably succumbs to these irreconciliable differences.

    In conclusion, I would remind you of that old line from a 80s poster. ‘I don’t love you - I love the person I am when I am with you’! Hope you have recovered from the trauma of your aloof friend, and have recovered your self-image in other, more satisfying relationships.

  14. 14 A

    A good article. I completely agree with with whatever the article says, because even i have experienced the same thing and it was my first love and couldn’t even hold it for long time…. But sometimes as they say it can just be one person’s view, how only one of them feel. Why do we feel needy? Anyone in a relationship if they doesn’t pay much attention to their partner, the other might feel lonely and depressed… Yes one might be going through a emotional crisis or some problem, so they might be needy.Always only one cannot understand the other, both of them should.

    Now i feel if i was a bit careful, atleast i would have saved my relationship,which was just a beginning. Both of us could have been happy. I still feel i have hurt him,and sometimes we tend spoil our relationship with others also because of our actions. Yes mistakes can never happen because of one person, the other person also contributes a bit. We do learn from our mistakes and sometimes it makes us strong enough….

  15. 15 P

    I am near the end of a relationship with an extremely needy person. This is aggravated by the fact that she has a juvenile/shallow view of the world. It has sucked the energy out of the relationship. We have broken up/made up twice each time I drew my “line in the sand” but I feel this is the final straw. As soon as we break up, she starts attaching herself to a new person (as she is now), then eventually the phone rings.

    I wrote her a heart-felt letter inviting her to relationship counseling but I fear that won’t work since she knows it will expose her flaws.

    I’m now at the point where either way is ok - healed and together or needy and apart.

  16. 16 helen

    i wholeheartedly agree that if one hasn’t much to bring to the relationship, then the relationship cannot be much. i have been involved with many men at different phases in my life, but i have trouble thinking of one that was ever truly equal. i tend to become absorbed into a partner’s life, without offering my own sense of stability or worth, or else he does. i know it’s been a turn-off for my fiance, with whom i live and share a family. it’s been over a year since we had any intimacy. it hurts me everyday. i cannot say if it’s him or me. i’m sure it’s both, but i can’t figure out why or how to fix it. i know he loves me, but there are numerous issues and it seems like too big a quagmire to sort through. we get along well and treat each other with respect, generally. but i am very drawn to him in ways that he refuses to respond to. it makes me feel like i’m something he has scraped off his shoe.
    -helen

  17. 17 Rae healey

    In between relationships I am a strong independent mature woman with a great life of my own. Whenever I decide I’m ready for a mate, ( twice) I either choose the wrong one, or I become needy in relationship. Not sure which. Its been 18 months and he has given mixed messages. I set boundaries, don’t ring him much, don’t stalk, but do speak assertively when necessary. I’m very loving and available for him (could that be the mistake???). Also I’m trusting. He has lied to me many times I think yet been wonderful too - trips overseas and other places. Although I have said to him “if this isn’t what you want then go, be free, do as you want” He refuses…then withdraws after a while. All through the underlying message has been I want you and won’t let you go, but i also want my freedom. Free to travel overseas (he can afford and I can’t) and do as he wants. Said he didn’t want to be answerable to anyone. When he doesn’t take up the option to go, and says yes to my boundaries, I feel safe…but become needy because he does what he wants anyway and doesn’t include me in the important parts of his life. I have become needy its true…but i’m wondering if he has a personality disorder. Recently I in hospital for surgery and expected him to be there for me. I think he saw that as needy (it was!) and now hes called it off. I’m relieved.

  18. 18 scharada bail

    Dear Rae,
    Don’t beat yourself up - from what you have said it does not appear your are being needy, but are rather at the mercy of a charming man who wants to have his way at all times. I think the example of surgery was the non-negotiable part - some things can not be justified under ‘wanting my own space’ kind of talk. Being there for each other applies most of all to times like this. So handle it whichever way you want, but remember, neediness arises out of insecurity. The more you begin to understand and love yourself, the less chances of being needy in your relationships.

    All the best!

  19. 19 Ray

    I was just dumped from a 6 month relationship and it is totally killing me inside, because I know it was my pretty much my fault. She literally got nasty and stated she didn’t want to talk anymore and goodbye. I smothered her and knew good and well what I was doing, but just couldn’t help myself. This was the first significant relationship I have had since the breakup of my 13 year marriage. The sad thing is even though it’s over, I continue to text this person regularly, knowing I won’t get a response back. I can’t seem to get over it and move on. Being needy is truly a curse because it can totally ruin what could be a promising relationship. I can only hope and pray that I can stop being this way or I will never be able to have a healthy relationship.

  20. 20 Tamra

    I just wanna thank the authour of this article.

  21. 21 emmy

    I am at a desperate crossroads to end the neediness of my partner. I feel so trapped and suffocated and the endless talks we always must have over all his feelings is draining to say the least. Life comes to a standstill for he always is getting his feelings hurt by me not giving him enough. Never enough eye contact, hugs, kissing, massages, sex and adoration.Maybe he loves me more? Meanwhile, I am smothered by it. I thought I was insane! We have a very strong love for each other but it gets overshadowed by all the demands of nuturing and affirmations he needs that I love him. Plus, I have a career and children and a busy life and he doesn’t work and never had to. I am begining to think we are just too different. Not to mention, his sex drive is at 150% where mine is at like 20%. I feel like I am living in hell.I feel sick, tired and wish we never got together.

  22. 22 shardul

    enlightening to read this , feels i am not the only one who is feeling like this.
    i am in a relationship with a needy partner since 20 months … the needy part started at the starting of it … just that i could not notice it or “realize” it as a problem, always thought there is something missing from my side … there’s nothing wrong with my partner but this constant feeling of being needy as made me uncomfortable over the days … and ya as rightly sated above the low self confidence does occur my partner had way much confidence earlier on before our relationship … but now i see her asking for petty issues … issues which were not even close being called issues earlier … i am still carrying on with the relation … just don’t understand how to communicate to her … feel scared of hurting her and her reacting in an unpredictable emotionally unbalanced manner ????????????? but still the article did help….

  23. 23 jay

    This article is right on the money. I have lost many a woman because of my neediness. I know i should not be needy, buy i just can’t help falling into that pattern. I have learnt my lesson!!!!

  24. 24 Murali

    This article is a major eye opener fo me.My past relationships failed because of my neediness. Although I knew I was doing something wrong, I could never pin point the reason and was pretty ignorant about how it. I guess we tend to go overboard with wanting to impress the partner, that we forget that they need time and space like we do too.

    Wish I read this earlier. :-)

  25. 25 Robyn

    Yep.
    Totally relate to this article, and all of the comments too. I have someone who loves so intensely, always wants to be touching me, kissing me, etc. I felt smothered for a long time. Lots of presents, always doing nice stuff for me, but lying all the time about all sorts of stuff. Denied everything, never admitted to the truth. Now after nearly a year, (he began his relationship with me while still married), he has finally admitted that he is now going to be ‘himself’. What a lot of wasted energy, and yes how very draining.
    I am turned off by him, but am slowly trying to build up trust and closeness with him, probably have sex about once a month. But I find it hard to be close to him. Can anyone help? He is really a wonderful man in so many ways, and we have so much potential.

  26. 26 tablerose

    I too crossed this site while looking for a cure for loneliness. Yep, something I have not encountered before. I was in a 33 year relationship when met someone who came into the relationship with gifts and compliments and being an all encompassing wonderful person. I was missing that in my then current relationship so I fell for this hook line and sinker. I was convinced to leave my 33 year relationship and although I had grave doubts and red flags went up all over the place, I allowed myself to get caught up in that and I seperated from my first long term relationship and went into this one. Once a house had been bought and my life was starting fresh, I did not know how to handle the neediness of this new person. She was everywhere. She stayed home from work to watch me and seemed to mistrust me at all times. I felt trapped and even went through abuse that I had never known and counted this as being “loved”. When my former partner’s parents celebrated their 50th Anniversary, I was invited and asked if I could attend in respect of this couple. I was to go with my daughter. She went crazy and practically destroyed the house. We seperated and I loved her, so kept in contact in hope that things would improve. Eventually I moved back in and discovered she had a compulsive gambling problem. After one year found I was being treated badly for this. I ended up becoming needy when I was a self sufficient business woman and lost my business and myself in this person’s neediness. I time when I lost my mother, she wasn’t there for me and seemed to want to punish me for not being there for her in former times. Eventually she threatened to leave and did and left again and and again. Each time moving in with the same family member. This last time I was told she was leaving and I chose to ask her to leave as I was certain she was returning to a former partner who had just lost their partner to cancer. I am alone now and having to cope with the loneliness of being alone for the first time in my life. I ended up being needy because that person was so needy of me and I wasn’t. This article has put me in touch with what was wrong and I have been searching for reasons why this happened. I am now nervous I will become the same way with a new partner. I have to be careful.

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