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Shivani nath, Ms, MFT, Eds, PhD(cand)Shivani Nath, MS, MFT, EdS, PhD (cand).
Marriage Counsellor

Shivani Nath is an expert in human relationships and specializes in Individual, Couple, and Family Therapy. Her areas of expertise are inclusive of sex therapy, anger management, and trauma/loss/grief/bereavement issues. She is a Professor of Psychology and Family Therapy at Kean University, New Jersey, and has private practices in New York and New Jersey. Shivani has been featured both in print and electronic media and has lectured nationally and internationally. Post your queries on matrimony here.

Name:Prutha Gandhi  Age:29  Gender:F  Place:West India

Q:In my collage days I had a friend \“A\”, with whom I shared a relationship. But he refused to marry saying our castes are different and it is not possible. Later I left the city for further education and I reduced contact with him. But still today he my friend and we talk to each other on phone once in a while. Then I met a person \“B\” during my further education and we fall in love with each other. This happened 6 years ago. But he was HIV positive and he was not ready for marriage. Slowly I accepted the fact and we became good frieds and I started looking for proposals. And I got engaged with a person \“C\” who was from US. We hardly met 3-4 times and went back to USA. He cracked my email accounts and read my old personal mails and he came to know about my past relationship. We used to have frequent clashes. During that period he lost his job and he used be depressed. After one year of unhealthy relationship we broke off. During this period I again got close to \“B\”. Though things were clear that marriage is not possible but he used to be my best friend. Later I made another friend \“D\” who was our office colleague. \“B\”, \“D\” I are very close friends today also. \“D\” helped me coming out of the relationship with \“B\”. During this process we got close to other. Then slowly I saw short comings of \“D\” and I said I don’t want to continue. But then he realized his mistakes and once again got closer. Later I spoke to my parents about him and but my parents were not very happy. He suffers from type 1 diabetes I spoke to one of my Dr. friend also and she advised not to go ahead as his case is complicated. I even took advice specialized doctor in that field and was scared to go ahead. I again put full stop to that relationship. Being close friends and in the same group we were always in touch with each other. Now once again we got close to each other. He is kind of person whose ides and thoughts match with mine. I know he can make me happy. He is in love with me but I m still not in with him although I like him a lot. It’s not that our relationship is all fair. We fight a lot and then again we love each other. By the way he knows about my past and he wants to accept me for what I am. My concerns are he is shorter than me and also two years younger to me and suffering from type 1 diabetes. If you ask anybody from the personality point view then we are \“no match\”. Now I can’t decide whether to marry him or not. I don’t want to disappoint him but at the same time I m not in love with him. Besides I have turned 29 now and finding life partner is becoming difficult. I am worried at the thought of adjusting with a new person after two or three meetings. We also have fights over \“B\” at times and he thinks I don’t give enough attention to him. I don’t want to cut down from \“B\” because he is my best friend. My major concern is his personality which does not match mine and our fights over “B”. He is also from a different part of India and our culture language are different. Please help me decide what should I do? I am not able to decide whether to marry him or not

A:’Dear Prutha,I would be “worried at the thought of adjusting with a new person after two or three meetings” as well. You are right about the importance of a person to like you for what/who you are. In any relationship, when 2 parties come together, they bring in their histories along with their personalities. The key to a healthy, fulfilling relationship is appreciation and understanding of their total self, and not just their outward world-views. I would advice you to think realistically before committing yourself to a new relationship. At 29, you shouldn’t have to worry about “being too old to getting a life partner.” Take your time before deciding on to marrying someone in a very short span of time.

Name:Priya  Age:32  Gender:F  Place :

Q:It is 6 yrs. I am married and we also have a daughter 3 yrs. old. After my daughter was born we started having fights various issues like i am not taking good care of his mom (she came to stay with us only after the baby was born for time), taking care of the baby. etc.. These difference of options carried on and on. Over this period we almost did not have physical relation. Now after 3 yrs. even today when most of the issues have resolved we still do not have any physical relation. I tried talking to my husband many times about this, but he always says everything is fine. Please suggest what should I do?

A:Dear Priya,You should have a thorough discussion with your husband about the issues that seem to bother you. It would be a good idea for you to tell him how you feel about the lack of sex and how you both could rectify the situation. Are there any common friends that you could speak to?

Name:Amritpal Singh Bhullar  Age:23  Gender:M  Place:CHANDIGARH

Q:Dear Madam, I’m a 23, working in a leading telecom service provider in Punjab. I’ve been offered the position of Programing Subject Matter Expert in I ‘m leaving for Cyprus on Nov,18 for the same. I was quite firm that I’ll not marry before 27,so as to achieve great heights professional life before marriage, also my dream of doing a MBA degree from abroad is very close to reality. Now the problem is that I have come in contact with one of my degree classmates, I’ve almost fell in love with her, though we had very little interaction in the She says her parents are thinking of marrying her, and I must come and talk and see her parents for the same. Now I’m worried as my parents know me as a guy who never runs after girls (they\’re very right on that ), when I tell them that looked a girl who was my classmate, their perspective towards me will change. Also the girl says that she will wait for me to return India. She\’s doing M Tech and has got placed in Wipro. Please suggest as to how should I approach this situation . Thanks & Regards Amritpal

A:Dear Amritpal, I don’t understand your concern over the change in your parents’ perspective on you. We all ‘change’ with age, and with age comes maturity. If you are in love with this woman who is willing to sacrifice her time in waiting for you to return back to India after completing your education, she certainly deserves a truthful perspective from you. You might want to be totally honest with this woman and be upfront with your parents, if you decide to marry her. You see honesty is the best policy, right?










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