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Disagreeing to agree is what being happily married is all about!


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Healthy argumentThe phrase healthy argument doesn’t ring true. Does it? When I put this question to Varun and Anita, Anita was the first one to react. She said, “Hey what is this healthy and unhealthy argument? An argument is an argument is an argument. And most of the time it is unhealthy for a relationship.”

Though this seems to be the popular view about the role of arguments in a relationship. Research findings show that arguments need not always be a negative influence on relationships provided they are handled in the right way.

Most often couples argue over seemingly insignificant things. But, the catch is what they seem to be arguing about is always not the real cause of argument. The real cause maybe far more deep-rooted. For instance Jyoti and her husband often find themselves arguing about “ why do I (Jyoti) have to remember what is there in the kitchen and what needs to be bought?”

Though on the surface the cause for argument seems trivial and silly, the hidden or real cause for the argument is a fight for equal footing in a relationship. If this issue is not traced out and addressed, the couple will find themselves arguing forever.

When we argue we are so overwhelmed by our emotional involvement in the process that more often than not we end up saying things that we don’t actually mean. For instance, Dora accuses her husband Deepak saying;” I’m the only one who works in this house.” And this upsets Deepak immensely.

He retorts by saying,”oh really! Unlike you I don’t work four hours from home.” But, that’s hardly the response Dora expected. All she was trying to convey was that she would like him to actively participate in the day to day running of the household.

Research has shown that when a person’s heart is beating fervently (as it always does when one is arguing) the other person is going to become physically incapable of hearing what you say!

In order to make arguments (which are bound to happen) a productive exercise that helps you see a certain situation from each other’s perspective it is a good idea to ask yourself self analytical questions. What is it that is upsetting you? Are you trying to thrust your viewpoint on your partner? Are you hell bent on being right? Or, do you unintentionally end up accusing your partner of being the cause of the argument.

If you have answered all the above questions in the positive then it is an indication that a slight change in the way you approach the problem might help. An argument without a bias is a great way of ironing out the differences that may exist between the partners.

So, it is important not to argue with the sole objective of proving yourself right. Make sure that you are open to understanding your partners concerns. The third and most important thing is never to decide on anything in the heat of the moment. It is always wiser to talk the matter over when things have quietened down a little.

Don’t be judgmental of your partner. On the contrary make honest effort to understand the problem from his/her viewpoint. You don’t necessarily have to agree with it. This has worked for may others who say that it helps them to happily disagree to agree.

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