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E mails and Fidelity


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OutlookThe shock of finding the mail was equal to discovering a snake in her clothes cupboard. Sneha looked disbelievingly at the mail her husband had sent his married colleague. Loaded with camaraderie and affection, this mail mentioned at one point how he would like to take the lady in question to Venice and Paris. Sneha was stunned. She had borrowed her husband’s laptop for a simple task, not realizing the chore of a few minutes would lead to this discovery in his Outlook Express box.

As she ranted at her husband a few minutes later, she was unprepared for his calm reaction. “What is the date of that e mail?” he asked her. Sneha realized that it was almost eighteen months old. At that time, she had noticed her husband’s growing closeness to his colleague, they had fought, discussed and made up – grateful that their marriage had survived another hurdle.

“Haven’t we gone through all this? Did I really take her to Paris and Venice? Don’t you know that you and the children are the first for me to want to take anywhere?” her husband asked her. Sneha stared at him, the hurt and anger in her slowly subsiding. Since their period of mutual unease eighteen months ago, her husband was home every evening by six thirty, consciously spending more time at home, being with the kids even when her own job kept her out till a later hour.

Now he did not look at all like a guilty man trying to make a convincing cover up. Sneha’s instinct told her he was telling her the truth. Should she continue making a fuss about an e mail? Instinct told her that it was better for her family’s sake to calm down and take a deep breath. Yes, she could take up the matter with her husband again in some other way – possibly in a more intimate context. But right now, it was important to take off the boxing gloves.

Sneha’s predicament is likely to become an ever more common one in our present milieu. In these times of instant communication, when sms, e mail and other such forms have changed forever the way we relate to each other, the concept of fidelity or faithfulness is also being stretched and tested.

In the past, it may have been unthinkable to even have an unfaithful thought (or at least, to express it) in a marriage. Today, to think is to write – as far as messaging and e mails are concerned. Sneha’s husband was just typing out the feelings that he had felt at the height of his ‘crush’ on his colleague.

The truth is, most marriages survive their share of such ‘crushes’ and wayward thoughts. As long as the partner having such wayward thoughts doesn’t actually act upon them, as long as there is some honest sharing and communication between the partners about how to overcome the danger posed by the ‘crush’, the marriage can resume its health and strength once more. It is much more difficult to forgive and forget actual transgressions – when ‘crushes’ have developed into full-blown affairs.

However e mails and messaging make it so easy to express one’s thoughts that people may actually express many more passionate thoughts towards each other than actually end up in the same bed or clandestine vacation. In today’s context, how can one prove infidelity only on the strength of an sms or e mail. There should be actual proof of adulterous behaviour that goes beyond mere writing and fantasy.

The truth is, even the most shy people can write a passionate e mail or message, and then cringe with awkwardness when they actually encounter the person they have written to. When we measure fidelity and faithfulness in a marriage therefore, we have to keep such factors into account. Trust in our partners, in the context of the times that we live in, needs a much larger canvas than before.

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