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What do you do when your husband is mamma’s boy?


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Mamma's boyA bottomless pit, similar to chicken or egg situation. It is true world over men are Mamma’s boys (with capital M).

Kavya and Karthik were honeymooning in Munnar when they heard about drizzle in Chennai. Karthik was perturbed and immediately called his parents to check if they were flooded! Kavya was rendered speechless. She thought the whole situation ludicrous.

Look out, there are Karthiks who think the world begins and ends with their parents. Culturally we are indoctrinated about parents being our responsibility. So, men go overboard and allow themselves to be molly coddled as mamma’s boys. The wives are looked as a threat to the security of parents’ existence.

Vidya laments about her husband’s ‘non-involvement’ policy whenever there is an altercation between herself and his mother.

Men have flexible spine when asked to choose between mother and wife. What they fail to understand is there is no need to choose. Both are on different levels of relationship. It is not about who is more important? A sensible balanced man would wisely choose to look at the crux of the issue.

The mother is responsible for son’s existence and has looked to all his needs with utmost devotion. Hurrah to the mother. Nobody can replace her. But who is talking about replacing the mom. A wife is not a substitute mother. She is responsible for sharing his future as a willing partner in journey of life.

But, an element of guilt is layered on to the man’s conscience when he is married. The mother feels insecure about having to play second fiddle to a newcomer.
 
Varsha and Vaishnav married against his parent’s wishes. Vaishnav shared a close relationship with his mother and she was shocked that her darling son would choose the other woman over her! Vaishnav was very clear about his commitment to Varsha. He felt he owed his loyalty to his wife who had willingly forsaken everything for his sake. Vaishnav believed in his decision since he felt marrying Varsha does not stop him from fulfilling his responsibility to his parents.

Mothers influence sons considerably and guys sharing close rapport with their moms make for great husbands. Your husband treats women with respect and kindness. Give credit to mommy because she is responsible for her son’s caring, considerate and thoughtful nature. The flip side is closeness between mother-son can interfere and stifle your relationship with him.

Then warning bells begin clanging!

Some mothers have difficulty adjusting to the idea that somebody else can play an important role in their son’s life. So she makes him feel guilty for doing so.

The husband feels he is betraying his mom while being a ‘good’ husband. Instead of calling him a wimp, make him realize if he falls for the act now, he would forever be caught in this guilt trip. Insist that his mom should adjust to the changed situation and accept it instead of resenting it. Thank him when he has justly supported you.

It is not about dominance but about taking charge from then on, similar to office take over situation. This can be done aggressively or it can be done conciliatorily as the situation warrants.

But the objective should not be malicious. Your point is not to settle scores with your in-laws but is about defending your role in your husband’s life. The difference is in the intent.

Marriage should be based on mutual love and respect and not of intimidation and guilt. With perseverance you can have a great marriage despite having not so great in-laws.

 

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